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Subject: | Fw: Fwd: Colonoscopy |
----- Original Message -----
From: Robert Gillman<mailto:r.gillman@verizon.net>
Sent: Saturday, July 25, 2009 8:07 PM
Subject: Fw: Fwd: Colonoscopy
----- Forwarded Message ----
Sent: Friday, July 24, 2009 11:18:04 AM
Subject: Fw: Fwd: Colonoscopy
Have you experienced this? I have. Thank you Dave Barry.
---
: Fwd: Colonoscopy
This is from newshound Dave Barry's
colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a
gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few
days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon,
a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point
passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the
colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient
manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written
instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which
comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never
allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days
productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my
colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then,
in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about
32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an
hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly
written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you
drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of
like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience
contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't
want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you
must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at
which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future
and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I
finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.
I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I
was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a
friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms
acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the
heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and
took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed
by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel
even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little
needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but
Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me
that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off
that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen
if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were
staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled
me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy
had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this
point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by
ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing
during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy,
from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the
moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are
squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit
detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept
through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat
of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room,
waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking
me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy
told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning
humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these
comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed
that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly
going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now
legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners,
Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take
your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must
quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my
dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at
Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife
saying that my head is not up there?'
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